To Have Been In Love
by It's-Nothing-Just-A-Wolf
Summary: Prompt: During a night with the knights and his King Merlin is asked a question he never thought he'd have to think about, have you ever been in love? Oh if he only had time to tell them about them all.  Merlin falls in love so easily at the beginning, but after a while he finds it harder and harder.  During a talk about Morgana that leaves Merlin tense Arthur and the knights find


To Have Been In Love

Prompt: During a night with the knights and his King Merlin is asked a question he never thought he'd have to think about, have you ever been in love? Oh if he only had time to tell them about them all.

Merlin falls in love so easily at the beginning, but after a while he finds it harder and harder.

During a talk about Morgana that leaves Merlin tense Arthur and the knights find out exactly why Merlin doesn't like to discuss the Kings old ward.

Authors note: Hi hi hi! I'm bringing you another Merlin angsty fanfic filled with comfort from the knights, because I adore an angsty Merlin. I love him so I don't know why I like to read about his suffering ...maybe I have a problem. Who knows? Anywho hope you all enjoy and be warned there is mention of suicidal thoughts and depression and self loathing...that was too many and's but all well. Enjoy!

The day had started out pretty normal.

It was just supposed to be a simple hunt.

Just something to do with Arthur and the Knights.

As much as Merlin hated killing the innocent creatures he did enjoy his time spent with his friends. Merlin smiled as Arthur turned around rolling his eyes at one of Gwaine's stories as they rode towards the forest. Merlin snorted trying to hide it not to offend Gwaine. Not that Gwaine ever really got offended. He apparently wasn't as subtle as he had thought.

"And what do you think you're laughing at Merlin?" Gwaine's voice rang among the group. Merlin quickly straightened himself out.

"Nothing, nothing, just thinking." Arthur chuckled from his spot ahead, watching from behind as Merlin tried to cover his tracks.

"Honestly Merlin, it's a good thing I don't tell you anything of importance. You wouldn't know how to keep a secret if it tried to lock itself in your mouth."

"Is there something you want to say to me Princess?" Arthur rolled his eyes at the nickname.

"Not particularly, just wondering when you're going to settle down and find yourself a nice girl." Gwaine laughed as they continued to ride. "Oh Princess, do you know me at all? Settling down is far too boring. Isn't that right Merlin!" Merlin looked to his friends almost seeming confused.

"Why are you asking me?" Gwaine shrugged good naturedly, but all of the knights would be lying if they said they were not the least bit curious as to what Merlin's lack of women is. What his lack of a relationship comes from. Truth be told the knights for some time had wondered if Merlin's only torch was for the King himself. All of the knights certainly hoped not, for it would be too tragic. To know Merlin stuck around for that pain, if only to be close to Arthur. To remain by his side forever in oblivion. Merlin rolled his eyes smiling at his friends who watched him curiously.

"I have nothing against settling down Gwaine." Gwaine drew his horse closer to Merlin's. Curiosity showing clear as day in his eyes. "Then why is it that you remain alone? You've been in Camelot for so long, surely you've met someone being there! You're one of the most enjoyable people I've ever gotten to know, I've heard the ladies in the castle whisper about you. You'd have no shortage of girls. So what keeps you mate?"

Merlin blushed thinking of the attention he got from the women in the castle. He knew he had to play this carefully to not cause suspicion. He really did not feel like discussing his real reasons for his single life. They were far too painful to ever bring up. He hadn't talked about it since the night it happened. He didn't plan on ever voicing those words again.

"I guess I never found someone I felt suited me." He said with a shrug.

"Oh come on! Out of all of Camelot! Not one girl?" Merlin shook his head smirking at Gwaine.

"Boys?" Merlin laughed out loud at that. It wouldn't be the first time he's heard it and he doubted it would be the last.

"Gwaine!" Elyan and Percial snapped at their fellow knight. Not wanting to make Merlin uncomfortable.

"Oh Gwaine, that's a good one. As much as I don't have a problem with that sort of thing. I can't say that it's my case personally. I just simply don't find anyone interesting or appealing enough to spend the rest of my life with, let alone go on a date with."

Arthur had been watching the exchange rather quietly. It's not that the question had neve dawned on him. He and Merlin had been friends for many years and he had taken notice that Merlin never seemed to like anyone in that way. Not out of any insecurity, just out of pure lack of interest. So he decided to wait and see what good Gwaine leading the question would do. It seemed Melin wasn't cracking for any of them. That's when Arthur brought it up.

"You had a thing for Morgana once remember?" Merlin froze. Everyone could see it. His breathing seemed to have halted and his knuckles turned white as he clutched the reigns of the horse.

"What?" It was tense and not at all Merlin's usual jolly tone.

"You brought Morgana flowers once remember? You saw you. When her nightmares had gotten really bad." Merlin shook his head forcing a smile.

"That's not attraction, that's just kindness towards a friend. I had suffered from nightmares in the past and had found that the smell of lilies calmed me at night. Helped me to sleep better. I didn't want to sound like a girl so I let you think they were an act of love." Arthur analyzed him for a second before nodding his head.

"Well played."

"Thank you sire."

Their attention was swayed as the sound of animals began and the hunt was on!

That night around a camp they all sat. Either skinning or cooking game. Just chatting as they always did at night around the warm fire. Questions started up again as they always did.

"Alright who here has ever been in love, not just a fling? Raise your hand." Merlin didn't know what had happened to him, what made him put his guard down. Maybe it was the weird feeling he had ever since the first conversation that morning, maybe it was just him being distracted, or maybe it was Morgana's beautiful laughing face that kept floating into his mine, for some reason he raised his hand surprising those all around him.

"What? Really?" It was Elyan's question as he watched Merlin. To be honest the man looked half didn't eve seem to hear him. "Merlin!" His eyes flicked up to Elyan's and then to the rest of the group. He frowned thinking over the last minute before snatching his hand back down as though that would erase the last minute.

"Sorry I misheard your question." He shook his head going for a smile as he began to play with the food on his plate finding he wasn't hungry.

"No you know what the question was. Explain." It was said jokingly by Elyan. Though Merlin knew from the glances around him he wouldn't be getting out of this one. "Who is she? How did you meet her?" Merlin looked around settling for an unamused smile.

'You all are such nosy prats."

"Hey! I thought that was my word?" Arthur spoke up. Merlin shrugged face blank.

"You're rubbing off on them."

"Details come on!" Gwaine excitedly leaned closer to Merlin. If he could learn the smallest bit about Merlin's past he would be excited. The boy was such a closed book with his personal life.

"Alright alright. Nothing much to say really. We met in Camelot. I had been here for a few weeks before I met her, but we instantly became interested in each other and got along really well. We became great friends and by the end of the year we were dating. It was one of the best times of my life."

"How did you ruin it?" Came Leon's snarky response. All meant in good fun. Merlin was able to cover to cringe of the ever so real statement. He instead shrugged.

"We fell out of love. Nothing that could be done. We couldn't be friends after that so she left Camelot." The others seemed sympathetic, patting him on the back. The conversation moved away from that to save Merlin face. Of course Merlin's relief didn't last long as Morgana was once again brought up. They had been making fun of her. Making up scenarios about her stealing the crown. They were all laughing, but Merlin knew they all held a hatred for her. A hatred he could never share. No matter what she did, he would always love her.

"Merlin come on! You try to do the Morgana voice." Arthur was laughing as he tried to get Merlin involved. Watched as something changed in Merlin. He was suddenly more quiet than he had been all day. His demeanor had changed. He only muttered something about 'not being good at voices.'

Merlin turned his head away ashamed. Arthur watched him closely. Noting this wasn't the first time Merlin has responded this way. When it came to Morgana at least. Merlin seems to have always had a soft spot for her, though it's hard to tell because Merlin seems to have a soft spot for everyone, but watching him now as he turns away, head held down. Arthur can tell he has missed something so important about his manservant-his friend. "You loved her." It wasn't a question, nor was it an accusation. Merlin and Arthur both knew such.

Arthur watched his friend with sympathy as he sighed an exhausted sigh. Merlin knew when there was the point in lying. "Yeah, yeah I did."

The knights had become silent. Watching the interaction, shocked. Leon was the only one who had been there to watch Merlin and Morgana together and while he knew they were close and that both were bold and easily able to defy the rules. He never suspected something more between them. Both were apparently better pretenders than he had been led to believe.

"Why didn't you ever tell me? I thought we talked about everything." Arthur was disappointed to not be a part of Merlin's love life, but he wasn't angry. He really really hoped Merlin knew that. Merlin shook his head bitterly. Still not really looking at anything but the ground.

"It didn't matter. It never would have happened anyway. I'm nothing, but a servant and she...she was so much more." Gwaine felt now was the time to speak up.

"That's not true mate. You are just as important as any of us. She would have been lucky to have you, though I think you can do so much better." Merlin smiled at the kind words but shook his head.

"You would have had to know her Gwaine. She was something so different...so special. The woman you know now is not anything like the one I loved ...it's my fault." Arthur frowned shaking his head. He put a hand on Merlin's shoulder causing him to look up. Arthur's frown deepened seeing the tears pooling in his friends' eyes. Tears that were angry and frustrated and desperate. Tears he fought to let come forward.

"That's not true. It was all Morgause Merlin, and even then Morgana made her choice. She has the loyalty of a crow." Merlin shook his head turning away from them. Arthur thought for half a second that he was going to have to chase him down.

"You don't get it."

"Then help me get it."

"Morgana was loyal, all the way up until that day that the sleeping spell came over Camelot."

"I remember that day." Leon spoke up. "It was terrifying. We didn't know if people were dying or if they were in a coma. But after a few minutes of exhaustion you just didn't care anymore...sleep sounded wonderful. We all knew it was bad, but just couldn't find it in us to care."

Merlin nodded still looking down.

"I had known Morgana and Morguase were friends. That Morgana trusted her...I knew Morgana didn't like Uther either, but she didn't seem to want to cause him harm. I let it go thinking Morgana just wanted a friend outside of Camelot, but I didn't trust Morgause. When I brought it up to Morgana it led to a fight where she claimed I was just jealous and being silly. I let it go to avoid upsetting her. Deciding I would just watch out for her...I failed in so many ways though. Morgana had gone to meet Morguase at some point that i didn't know, but Morgause placed a spell on Morgana that would protect her from the sleeping spell, that also meant that the spell was part of Morgana….that it would only stop if she stopped breathing….if she'd-died…." Merlin choked on the word. Covering his mouth to keep from crying out. All the images of Morgana smiling at him and trying to comfort him blending with her choking and holding her throat, of looking at him with accusing eyes as she crawled away, trying to preserve her life at all costs. To not be near Merlin, the man she had loved.

"What happened Merlin?" Arthur's voice was cold, but not towards Merlin, not really. Just the situation. His hatred towards Morgause growing and him being so grateful she was dead. Merlin cleared his throat and wiped his eyes.

"I tried everything I could to stop that spell, but I knew deep down from the beginning what would have to happen. It felt like my insides were being ripped apart. It would be like you having to kill Gwenevere to save Camelot." The mere thought made Arthur sick. He didn't think he'd ever be able to do it, not ever.

"Anyway, at first I just tried to leave her with the guards, but they were told not to kill her. That made it so much worse, I would already feel responsible for letting her die if the guards had killed her, but now I knew it would have to be me...I put Hemlock in a water bottle and gave it to her...she had no clue. She loved me and trusted me and willingly drank poison just because I handed it to her...I've never hated myself more than I did in that moment. I have thought about offing myself so many times thinking on that moment."

The knights looked at each other worried. Merlin had thought about killing himself? That was such an unMerlin thing to do. Then again this whole story seemed like an unMerlin thing to do.

"I heard her coughing and I turned around seeing in her eyes that she knew. She looked up at me, the question was there. I've never been able to lie to her. I nodded and it was horrible. She crawled away from me shaking her head and desperately trying to get away. I couldn't stand it. I wanted her to be at peace when she went. I held her against me hoping she would know how sorry I was, but all she did was fight me. Until that last moment where I felt her breath left her body. She didn't fight me in that last moment. I could almost pretend it was like all the other times she had let me hold her. When I told her stories and we laughed ...I knew that wasn't it though. I knew that she just hadn't had the energy to push me away. I had betrayed her and we both knew it. No matter what my reasoning was that I had betrayed her.

Morgause came in and I bargained with her that she could save Morgana if she saved Camelot. She agreed and I gave her the poison. The horrible part is I didn't feel comfort when she took Morgana. Even though I knew she would save her...I knew that if I ever saw Morgana again that hate and betrayal would still be there. That she would never….ever be my Morgana again...and she never was."

Merlin had long since stopped trying to hide his tears. They now streamed down his cheeks. His eyes locked onto the ground in front of him. His mouth set in a firm line, jaw clenched. He didn't know how the knights in front of him would respond, he also couldn't really find it in himself to care. That's what always happened when he thought about Morgana. He never seemed to care what became of him without her around. Most of the time he could ignore those feelings and throw them into the pits of his mind. He could live a happy life with his friends and fulfill his destiny. There were those nights though where he remembered his destiny would involve killing his love once again. That she had truly became darkness itself, rather than the light and warmth that once held a place in his heart. Those nights he never slept. He only cried, screaming into his pillow.

The knights were all shocked. They had known Merlin was braver than he seemed, but this was totally different! This was something they weren't sure if any of them would be able to do. Merlin had done the unspeakable all in the name of Camelot. He truly should have been a knight. Arthur felt tears come to his own eyes. Not only for the pain his best friend felt, but also for the loss of his sister. He would never blame Merlin, not ever, but it didn't make it any easier.

"You did what you had to do. None of us blame you for that." He gave Merlin's shoulder a squeeze. He became worried once more as Merlin did not respond. His head was turned away, but Arthur knew from the shake of his shoulders that Merlin was crying. He did something he hardly ever did with anyone. He pulled Merlin in for a hug. He felt Merlin stiffen for half a second before lunging himself further into the hug. That was when Arthur knew he had done the right thing. Before anyone could really even think about it all of the knights were joining in on the hug. Merlin smiled feeling the warmth of his friends. They would never replace Morgana, because no one could, but he sure was lucky to have such great friends. A great family who loves him. He curled further into the hug, absorbing the warmth of his friends.

Authors note: Thank you thank your for reading, those of you who made it to the end. I hope you all enjoyed it and that it made you smile. I wish you all a good night, day, or afternoon wherever you may be. And always remember and never forget. Walt Disney came up with Micky because he had a pet mouse when he was struggling to make it in the cartoonist world...so yeah...positivity. Hope we all can have it. Alright! Night Night!


End file.
